“Make a good impression” is a lesson we’ve heard since childhood. No matter how rambunctious we were at home, we knew to put our best foot forward when walking out the front door. To be received well is a message that doesn’t get old as we age, either. Whether on a first date, a job interview, or meeting future in-laws, it’s usually a good idea to be mindful of the impression we make in the world.
But making a good impression can also be a dependency rather than just a good idea. Receiving the high opinion of others feels great, making it a tempting thing to reach for when we need a boost. We approach praise much like an addiction, craving another hit to feel good and battling self-doubt without a sufficient dose (Is ‘impressiveness withdrawal’ a thing?). Showing off what we know, where we’ve been, what we’ve done, who we’ve met, how much we’ve produced – are all ways of getting our fix of wowing people. The worst thing, we tell ourselves, is to not be liked enough, and certainly not to be caught without enough likes.
If you find yourself somewhere in this description, you are not the only one. Although we intuitively understand that flashing our credentials to reap approval is unbecoming and not aligned with our integrity, we can’t seem to curb our need for acclaim. Why is it so irresistible? What’s really driving our obsession with impression?
“Am I ok?”
Prevailing theories of why people aim to impress are a lack of confidence or low self-esteem (or both). No doubt this sums it up much of the time. Knowing that people think well of us provides a temporary lift to our deflated egos and damaged self-images, even if only for a short while. In the absence of a positive view of ourselves, it’s tempting to look for one from someone else.
But there is another, more subtle driver of our need to be thought well of. We seek the recognition of others because deep down we’re not sure if we’re ok. Like teetering atop an unstable surface, so many of us live with internal shakiness, never fully at ease with ourselves or our standing in the community. Such pervasive insecurity, defined as a sense of deep-seated uncertainty, makes it exceedingly difficult to settle into life. Where self-assuredness and personal sturdiness belong stands the constant vigilance of suspecting that something is wrong with us and everyone knows it.
Wanting to be impressive is often about wanting validation, not only of what we’ve done but of who we are. Seeking a positive answer to the question “Am I ok?” signals longing for an affirmation of our being. We desperately want someone to put this question to rest, to stamp us with the assurance that we have a rightful seat at the table of existence no less than anyone else, that we are acceptable in our current state, and that we are adequate to face the demands of life. This hunt for “ok-ness” lurks behind many of our attempts to gain approval, because knowing that someone else thinks we’re ok helps us mask the fact that we’re not always sure.
Feeling secure
Our basic need for security was spelled out by the originators of Attachment Theory, who posited that feeling securely attached to a caregiver is the single most important building block of childhood development. The next time you watch a toddler play, think about what’s going on in his or her world. If the child is lucky, they’re enjoying the freedom to be themselves, made possible by an underlying sense that they are safe in their surroundings and don’t need to worry.
The reassurance of knowing that a caregiver is loosely within reach and available for refuge gives kids the freedom to experience life as it is. To stand on their heads. To experiment with putty. To see how high the tower gets before it topples over. To wonder what happens when they turn the pepper shaker over (Is that just my kids?). To dance, trip, and get up for more. To try reaching for the toy that was put on the shelf so they couldn’t reach it. Growing up in a setting in which children feel safe and protected affords them the space to focus on being kids: learning the world through direct interaction and getting comfortable in their own skin as they do.
Securely attached kids don’t need to be told that they are ok; they know it from roaming unencumbered in the presence of caregivers who convey “ok-ness.” It is a way of being, a vibe absorbed from a parent that says, “You’re ok, even if you’re confused, frustrated, or don’t feel good right now. Keep going, you’re going to make it. Whatever happens, I’m right here.” Sometimes this message is communicated through words, sometimes not. “It’s going to be ok” is the basic message of faith that allows children’s sense of security to take root.
Secure adults
Feeling secure is not something we learn to live without. While the adult version does have differences, such as the ability to draw from internal (or spiritual) reservoirs of strength as opposed to external reinforcements alone, we carry the fundamental need to feel ok even as grown-ups.
Living securely as adults means feeling adequate to show up and handle the demands of life. It requires interacting with the world as ourselves, as opposed to the person we would like others to see us as. Without needing to enhance others’ perceptions, we are content with doing our thing and allowing people to think what they may. More important than impressing our friends is answering to our own conscience. We may enjoy being seen in a positive light, but we view this as a nice addition to our lives, not the essence of it. Having people know of our accomplishments is not nearly as meaningful as living well, and far less enjoyable too. It turns out that experiencing life as it is brings much more pleasure than a hit of impressiveness ever could.
The world through a lens of security
We want to view the world as a place in which we can operate as ourselves without worry of being shamed or shunned. But the way to achieve this is not through trying to maintain the good grace of others so that our sense of security is never threatened. Propping up acceptability with sticks of praise may keep things looking good for a while. But behind the impressive veneer is often a rickety internal structure that lacks the stability needed to support the pressures of life.
Rather, feeling safe in the world stems primarily from internalizing the message that securely attached children soak up – that even when I show up as myself and it doesn’t go well, I’m still ok. I’ll just get up, dust myself off, and try again, because bumps along the way don’t make me nervous. Incorporating security as a way of being lets us drop the showmanship and get busy with living, not being naive to the dangers of the world, but rather feeling confident that we are solid enough to take them on. And usually, that’s enough.
In our next post, we’ll explore ways to drop our need to impress and embrace the fact that we’re ok right now. Even if we did not grow up with secure attachments as kids, this fact need not prevent us from becoming secure adults. We can learn to believe in our basic ok-ness, the empowering thought that we’ll make it through this predicament and come out the other side, impressive or not.
Dovid, I was thinking about “the need to impress” recently and I agree that it is central to a lot of behavior for many people. Your point about “feeling secure” is also very relevant
in the business world. That is, we ask people to take risks at work (innovate, make suggestions, take on new assignments) but do they feel secure/safe enough to do so? And, how do organizational leaders affect this?
You’ve provided great food for much thought; thank you!
Getting to the core of what drives us and how to be in this world with real inner peace is such an important and foundational idea , thank you David for bringing it out in such a beautiful and clear way ! Waiting with anticipation for part 2 !
Super cool, Rabbi Doctor Dad!
Gosh soooo true!
[…] In our last post, we examined impressiveness and its more insidious driver, insecurity. We suggested that our efforts to accumulate praise may be a camouflaged attempt to address the nagging question: “Am I ok?” This persistent worry, often located just below the radar of awareness, prompts us to speak and act in ways that (we think) will score us high marks on the approval ratings of others. […]