I have been blessed to know hundreds of young men on the cusp of beginning their post-adolescent lives. These emerging grown-ups have taught me the ins-and-outs of young adulthood, a complex stage of life in which we start to figure out what makes us tick while beginning to catch a glimpse of where our lives are headed.

Post-adolescence is about making sense of things. Following years of uncertainty through early and mid-adolescence, we are now able to work out our thoughts about family dynamics, existential concerns, relationship patterns, career paths, religious questions, and finding a life partner. It is a time of stepping back, letting the dust of adolescence settle, and developing an understanding of ourselves and the world we inhabit.

At the center of this process stands the task of piecing together the divergent parts of self that have shown up during the teenage years. It is for this reason that the journey through post-adolescence is primarily one of shaping identity.

The Formation of Identity

The developmental psychologist Erik Erikson described the adolescent years as a struggle for the establishment of identity. Kids emerge from the innocence of childhood and abruptly find themselves muddled by confusion over who they are, how they see themselves, what they like, and where they fit. In Erikson’s words, they experience diffusion, characterized by feeling spread out and pulled in multiple directions without yet possessing a psychological anchor to keep them internally grounded. 

Living in a diffused state means stumbling upon various sides of personality without knowing how they all fit together. For instance, adolescence is when we first become aware of the fact that we can be funny but also serious, loving but also hateful, adventurous but also scared. “Which one am I?” is a question teenagers often wonder, as they attempt to construct a coherent narrative of who they really are.

The sudden and rapid increase in self-awareness that occurs during adolescence generates the desire to try out different ways of being and new styles of self-expression. The resulting erratic patterns of conduct has led researchers to note that what would usually be categorized as abnormal in adults (think multiple personalities) is fairly normal behavior when displayed by teens.

To further complicate matters, the process of teenage development is not synchronized across physical, intellectual, and emotional systems. For instance, psychological awareness may outpace physical development for a year or two, making teenagers more emotionally attuned than their appearance suggests. Alternatively, the teenage body may look more mature than the mind actually is, often eliciting confusing reactions when interacting with others. These discrepancies in the life of a growing teen result in feeling frequently disoriented and perpetually out of whack (though they may not admit it).

Post-adolescence

Given the tumultuous nature of teenagehood, it can sometimes seem like the goal of adolescence is simply to make it through in one piece (or perhaps several diffused pieces).

The good news for teenagers is that a point does come where the dots start to connect and a more stable, enduring sense of identity begins to emerge. We call this stage post-adolescence.

Working with post-adolescents can be a thrilling endeavor, for it means having a front-row seat to the experience of a newly minted young adult looking under the hood of their lives with grown-up eyes for the first time. Mostly absent is the sense of puzzlement and paralysis found in younger teens, who are scrambling to get a grip on themselves without necessarily having the language to describe what they’re going through. At the same time, the jaded nature of adulthood, when grown-ups tend to feel settled into unchangeable patterns and may no longer be interested in discovering more about themselves, has not yet set in.

As identity congeals in the life of a post-adolescent, a sense of knowing oneself in a more comprehensive way gradually takes root. Mental lightbulbs turn on each week, as one “Aha!” moment follows another, signaling flashes of self-discovery and the formation of a mental map of one’s own character. Pieces of personality slowly fall into place, links between past experiences and present behavior become clear, and an overall sense of feeling more comfortable in our own skin begins to surface. The result of this growth in maturity is a more sturdy and durable anchor of self that accompanies us as we step forward into full-fledged adulthood.

Yosef’s Adolescence

The process of identity formation is best seen in the Torah through the prism of Yosef’s transition from adolescence to young adulthood. At age 17, Yosef is described as a “na’ar,” meaning youth or lad (Bereishit 37:2). Rashi explains that Yosef displayed “behaviors of a youth” by being preoccupied with his appearance in the eyes of others. One can assume that Yosef’s teenage behavior was not limited to his focus on looks; a simple reading of subsequent verses suggests that Yosef’s decision-making as a teenager may have lacked good judgment, which is fairly typical of adolescents.

Still a teenager, Yosef is sold by his brothers and taken down to Egypt. He experiences forced individuation, the process by which adolescents differentiate from their families and establish themselves as separate individuals. Yosef was not asked whether he wished to leave home, yet suddenly found himself far from family, thrust into a reality in which he had only himself to turn to. What would become of him? What effect would this life-altering change have on him?

Yosef’s Identity

Yosef next appears as a servant in the house of Potiphar. We read of the episode with Potiphar’s wife, who attempted to seduce Yosef over a period of time, even engaging in physical force. Yosef displays remarkable fortitude of conscience in his steadfast refusal to acquiesce, earning him the title by which we admiringly refer to him, “Yosef HaTzadik,” “Yosef the Righteous.”

Where did Yosef find the strength to resist a temptation of such magnitude? The answer is that in the interim years since being a youth in his father’s home, Yosef had formed an identity, a clear sense of who he was. The teen who had been seeking external approval, playing with his hair in the mirror (Rashi), had developed into a mature young man of stellar character, with strong internal values and a deep understanding of his beliefs. The confusion of his youth had vanished, and in its place stood a mature adult who knew himself and knew what he stood for

It is interesting that Yosef is described here as “ish matzliach,” “a successful man” (Bereishit 39:2). Yosef’s success in everything he did is clearly ascribed to the fact that Hashem was with him throughout his journey. For Yosef, finding himself during his lonely travels in Egypt included the realization that a core part of his identity was an unwavering connection to Hashem. Being with Hashem became an integral part of who he was, and when a person is with Hashem, Hashem is with him in return (see commentary of Rav S. R. Hirsch on this verse).

Yosef, Chanukah, and Us

Like the young adults in our lives, Yosef shows us what can happen when we take the time to figure out who we really are. The establishment of identity is a key factor in our success, for it enables us to chart a course that is uniquely our own and withstand temptations along the way. It also leads to feeling settled in our sense of self, which naturally results from taking the time to piece together the various parts of our life, past and present, into the formation of a coherent personal narrative.

It is not a coincidence that we read the story of Yosef around Channukah time every year. Our fight against Antiochus and the Greeks was fundamentally a clash over Jewish identity, a battle to uphold the basic values and ways of life that make us Jews. In many ways, this conflict continues to unfold in modern times, as we are still under assault from those who wish to diffuse our identity and water down our core beliefs. Some of these threats come from the outside, while others take the form of foreign ideologies that have crept into our own Jewish culture. In either case, our best response to this ongoing danger is to solidify our own Jewish sense of self, just like Yosef did.

Perhaps we can use the lessons of Yosef, and those gleaned from our own post-adolescent kids and friends (and post-adolescent parts of ourselves), to further strengthen our own sense of identity. We may find that the joy of self-discovery and the process of continuing to make sense of things can infuse our own lives with deeper meaning as well.