In our last post, we examined impressiveness and its more insidious driver, insecurity. We suggested that our efforts to accumulate praise may be a camouflaged attempt to address the nagging question: “Am I ok?” This persistent worry, often located just below the radar of awareness, prompts us to speak and act in ways that (we think) will score us high marks on the approval ratings of others.

Describing this tendency is one thing. But how to shake it? How do we let go of the need to impress and embrace our basic “ok-ness”?

Approaches to building security vary. What follows is a sampling of the ways I’ve found most effective, bolstered by clients who have searched for–and often found–a more stable base from which to live.

5 Paths to Security

1. Be yourself and see what happens.

This is the gutsiest approach to becoming more secure, which also means it triggers the most pushback. One way to undercut impressiveness is to simply practice showing up as ourselves and experience first-hand that our fears do not materialize.

We employ impressiveness to cover anxiety, and anxiety is rooted in fear. We’re afraid that if we enter a social setting without a glamorous front, we’ll be clobbered by the judgment we’ve been trying to avoid. It’s frightening not to shield ourselves in the face of anticipated scrutiny. By impressing others, we’ve managed to stay safe yet another day.

However, when we drop the impressiveness, we will find that in most situations… nothing at all happens. We enter the room and no one runs away because of how regular we are. The walls do not cave in. Our standing in the community is not damaged. Those who love us continue to do so (and those who don’t, it was probably time). Nothing that actually matters is lost.

The magic of this head-on approach is that it confronts the illusion that the world is ready to reject us as soon as we fail to impress it. It’s time to discover for ourselves that this is not true.

(I like to employ the Adlerian “as if” technique in this context. Alfred Adler would invite people to ‘try on’ a way of being as if it were their own, just to see how it ‘fits’. Like testing out an oversized outfit, with time you grow into it and may even find it comfortable. We often feel too small to wear self-assuredness on our sleeves, but after walking around in it for a while, we often find that it fits us nicely.)

2. Practice checking in with your conscience.

The flipside of impressiveness is integrity, the quality of being honest with ourselves. We feign confidence only insofar as we muffle our conscience, the voice inside telling us that we are acting out of line with our values. Awareness breaks this pattern. The moment we notice that we’re trying to impress, it becomes much harder to do so.

Deep down, we want to live in sync with ourselves. This natural law is supported by the rabbinic teaching that a person should strive for tocho k’baro, a life of congruence between the inner and outer self (Berachot 28a; Rambam De’ot 2:6). Rather than inflating our image, the way we speak and act should reflect who we really are. Self-promoting violates this ethical standard and sets us at odds with our innate desire to live harmoniously.

The more we prioritize integrity, the less we will try to impress others. We will find it harder to put on a show that smells of self-aggrandizement, opting instead to be genuine in our interactions and real with ourselves. We may dazzle less, but at least we’ll be able to look in the mirror of self-reflection at the end of the day.

Even with integrity as our guide, showing up authentically will still be frightening (back to tip #1), but after lowering an anchor into our sea of conscience, the dissonance we’ll experience when departing from our deeper self (acting like someone we’re not) will remind us that it’s smoother sailing to just be who we are.

3. Ground yourself and offer reassurance

I’m fond of couples therapist Susan Heitler’s line to quarreling partners, “Come back to me.” Getting lost in a cycle of fighting is a sure sign that we’ve detached from each other and drifted into unproductive territory. Coming back is a signal to reground and return to presence, which enables us to access the better, kinder version of ourselves.

Dr. Heitler’s imagery is also useful for individuals looking to ‘one-up’. Setting our sights on impressing means that we’ve detached from ourselves and must find a way back. When the need to impress arises, pause, take a deep breath, and place your hand on your chest. This is a physical reminder that you are here too–that there is a person underneath the person you are trying to present yourself as. As you, try to remember the following: “I’m here and I’m ok. I don’t need to contort myself so that others will think highly of me. I’m fine with being myself and moving forward from that position.” 

A cousin of the previous tip, here we emphasize our ability to self-regulate and be self-soothers. We develop security by learning to coach ourselves. This means practicing what we’d like to tell ourselves in moments of self-doubt, a message that grounds us in the moment and reminds us, “Come back to me.”

4. Have a person in your life who can reassure you that you’re ok.

I am fortunate to have been part of conversations of affirmation, and they are powerful. While we aim to draw confidence from within, we (occasionally) get nervous, feel inadequate, and question ourselves. When this happens, there is nothing like meeting the gaze of a trusted confidant who lets us know that we’re going to be alright.

Finding such a person requires relationship building, which is about time, effort, and vulnerability. Anyone can fill this role in your life–a friend, mentor, parent, sibling, spouse, grandparent, rabbi, teacher, or therapist. The important thing is not to substitute an online personality or podcast host for the real thing. Receiving reassurance in a meaningful way rests on feeling known by the person offering it.

People seem to worry that seeking reassurance breeds neediness, that clingy tendency to overly attach ourselves to others. I understand the concern. Excessively soliciting the acceptance, affection, and approval of others can cause us to inadvertently push away the people we need most. So why encourage it?

Because neediness and needing others are not the same. The former is a desperate attempt to fill an internal void, while the latter is an admission of vulnerability, an acknowledgment of the simple fact that we must depend on each other. We all have moments of self-doubt. Having whom to lean on for an infusion of confidence in times of uncertainty is nothing to be ashamed of.

5. Develop bitachon: a secure attachment to Hashem

A profound and enduring source of security comes from the Jewish notion of bitachon–the deep reassurance that Hashem is with us and taking care of us at all times. The Chovos Halevavos links bitachon with menuchas hanefesh, stillness of the soul, because trusting that we are held by a loving, nourishing G-d who is never beyond reach is the ultimate source of serenity.

The similarity between bitachon and secure attachment is striking. As we’ve explained previously, children feel secure when they are raised by caregivers who make them feel safe and protected. As they grow, kids who know that a loving parent is there to lean on, turn to, and take refuge in, grow up feeling free to be themselves, the precursor to developing confidence. This caregiver need not be physically seen at all times, yet even while out of sight, their presence in the child’s life sends a clear message: it’s ok to be you.

Our relationship with Hashem is meant to look the same. We never stop being Hashem’s children. Like securely attached kids, we turn to Him at regular intervals (tefilah) and rely on His counsel to guide us through life (Torah). He is there when we need Him and even when we feel we don’t. Hashem never leaves us. He doesn’t make His love conditional and always cares about how we’re doing. He doesn’t mind if we turn to Him with little things that seem unimportant–in fact, He cherishes it. He never makes us feel bad for being ourselves. Hashem stands by us through life, whether we are impressive or not. If security is about finding the freedom to be who we are, in our relationship with Hashem we have it.

This understanding may explain the verse in Tehilim 32:10: “Habot’each baHashem chesed y’sovevenu,” “one who trusts in Hashem will be surrounded by kindness.” What is the relationship between trust and kindness? Why does the verse seem to say that Hashem only shows us kindness when we trust Him? Is His kindness conditional? 

The answer is that a person who relies on Hashem feels enveloped by the kindness that has been there all along. Hashem offers us secure attachment, but we must step into it. When we do, we are activating a relationship in which we can feel cared for at all times. We look to Hashem for support and in return receive acceptance, never rejection. On the contrary, when we bring Him into our lives, we are embraced by the open arms that have been waiting for us the whole time.

This point is made beautifully by singer Baruch Levine in “The Piano Boy.” The song tells of a young boy who is brought to a concert by his mother to hear the great pianist Paderevski. The boy wonders what it would be like to perform onstage, and decides to find out. He slips away and appears before the audience a few minutes later to the sound of cheering. As the mother prays, the boy sits down to play twinkle twinkle little star, and Paderevski walks in. The famous pianist approaches the boy, sits down beside him, and whispers, “Keep on playing.” Their joint composition concludes with a standing ovation from the crowd, and a bow from the musical duo. Rabbi Levine ends the song with the following words: “The little boy is each one of us; our lives are on that stage./We are children when we step on it, no matter what our age./But Hashem wraps his arms around us, and whispers in our ear –/Just keep on playing, you’re doing great, I promise I’ll always be here.”