Some things are just not worth thinking about.\u00a0 Thoughts that make us feel less fulfilled and more unhappy fall into this category.\u00a0 Yet we often find our minds roaming into precisely these destructive places.\u00a0 Why does this happen and what can we do about it?<\/span><\/p>\n

3 types of unhelpful thoughts<\/b><\/h3>\n

Some thoughts make us long for what we don\u2019t have.\u00a0 These pointless speculations may begin with \u201cif only\u201d<\/strong> and are followed by visions of what could have been, if only things had worked out differently or better.<\/span><\/p>\n

Another group of unhealthy thoughts leads us to dwell on people who seem to be doing well in life, the mere thought of whom makes us believe that we\u2019d be happier if we were more like them<\/strong> or possessed items that they have.\u00a0We may focus on a neighbor, a friend, or even a famous person we\u2019ve never met. We look at how content and put-together they appear to be and feel distressed about the relative lack in our own lives.<\/p>\n

A third type of useless thinking causes us to dwell on where we are in life compared to where we (think we) should have been by now<\/strong>. We harp on the disparity between the picture before us and the reality we were hoping for.<\/p>\n

None of these thoughts are helpful; they only leave us feeling less fulfilled. So why do we repeat these patterns? Why do we insist on thinking about things that make us miserable?<\/span><\/p>\n

Most of us don\u2019t fall into these thought-traps on purpose. Very few people consciously decide to think about things they know will make them feel bad.<\/span><\/p>\n

But we can\u2019t help it, at least not at first.<\/span><\/p>\n

Negativity bias<\/b><\/h3>\n

We all suffer from negativity bias, which is the mind\u2019s inborn tendency to focus on the negative. Whether we think of it as a survival instinct or the <\/span>yetzer hara<\/span><\/i>, the fact remains that when the mind is allowed to naturally wander, it tends to stray to areas that make us feel worse.<\/span><\/p>\n

What can we do about this pull towards the negative?<\/span><\/p>\n

For starters, it\u2019s important to understand that the mind\u2019s tendency to wander is natural, and is no more of a problem than the innate tendency of a child to do the same. Kids stray, get sidetracked, and sometimes veer into areas where they should not be going. Our job as parents is to steer our children back onto the right path, not make them feel bad for doing what kids are supposed to do.<\/span><\/p>\n

An untrained mind is very much like a child. When left unchecked, it will freely roam through any open mental door that we allow it to walk through. It turns out that the mind has a mind of its own.<\/strong> It is more than happy to stroll down whatever internal corridor happens to present itself that day, unencumbered by the fact that spending time wandering through visions of alternate realities makes us less satisfied with the one we live in. The mind doesn\u2019t care about that; it\u2019s much more interested in veering into fantasy land, regardless of the consequences.<\/span><\/p>\n

We often don\u2019t even remember how we ended up in the room our minds have carried us to. We can find ourselves pretty deep down a mental hallway, having veered through countless side rooms, before we even realize where we are. Like suddenly waking up in an unfamiliar city, we may find ourselves asking, \u201cWhere am I? How did I get here?\u201d Perhaps an equally important question is, \u201cIs this really where I want to be?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Enter free will<\/b><\/h3>\n

Many of us don\u2019t realize that thinking is an area of life in which we also have free will. Part of the developmental process is recognizing that we have a say in what happens in our heads. We\u2019re used to the idea of free will when it comes to how we choose to behave or speak, but can we also consider that free will applies to what we decide to think about?<\/span><\/p>\n

Just because a thought has popped into our heads does not mean that we are forced to think about it. As a mentor of mine once taught me, \u201cYou cannot control what comes into your mind, but you can decide what to do about it.\u201d When we become aware that we are being snagged by an incoming thought that will lead to nowhere productive, we can decide to say, much like we do with kids, \u201cI\u2019m sorry, but you just can\u2019t go there.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

The mind may fight back at first, insisting that it REALLY wants to follow this intriguing thought stream, but it will soon notice our calm resolve to not allow this fruitless reverie. And when it wants to know, \u201cBut why???\u201d, the answer it will hear is that no one benefits from focusing on \u201cif only\u201ds, \u201cbut they\u201ds, and \u201cI\u2019m not\u201ds. Over time, it may even come to appreciate that saying no to pointless speculation is good for us and those around us.<\/span><\/p>\n

Control vs. Repression<\/b><\/h3>\n

It should be noted that exerting control over which mental corridors we choose to enter is not the same as repression. The latter refers to ignoring thoughts or feelings that need to be addressed, but of which we are genuinely scared to face. It is a reaction to internal states that appear threatening at first. By contrast, deciding what to put our minds onto is a deliberate, non-reactive decision to choose where we want to \u201clive\u201d in our minds, how we\u2019d like to spend our mental energy, and which thought patterns hurt or help our wellbeing.<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s simply not worth the mental and emotional aggravation that comes along with allowing our minds to pull us down whatever path we would like to stroll through, especially ones that make us unhappy. It\u2019s perfectly fine to put our foot down, with firm compassion, and choose to pull the handle shut on door B. As our minds expand and mature, they will one day thank us for it.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Some things are just not worth thinking about.\u00a0 Thoughts that make us feel less fulfilled and more unhappy fall into this category.\u00a0 Yet we often find our minds roaming into precisely these destructive places.\u00a0 Why does this happen and what can we do about it? 3 types of unhelpful thoughts Some thoughts make us long […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[20],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-69","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-psychology-judaism"],"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lessintherapy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/69","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lessintherapy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lessintherapy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lessintherapy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lessintherapy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=69"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/lessintherapy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/69\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":78,"href":"https:\/\/lessintherapy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/69\/revisions\/78"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lessintherapy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=69"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lessintherapy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=69"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lessintherapy.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=69"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}