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action or later. Please see Debugging in WordPress for more information. (This message was added in version 6.7.0.) in /home/nadivgro/public_html/lessintherapy/blog/wp-includes/functions.php on line 6121How did we end up back here?<\/p>\n
It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. Exactly one year ago, we burrowed deep inside ourselves to face our deficiencies. We wondered how we’d strayed from the path we had committed to a year prior, made sincere pledges to change, and swore to ourselves that we would stick to our decisions this time. And we meant it. We were intent on turning that elusive corner with our anger, impatience, procrastination, religious shortcomings, strained relationships, internet or substance misuse, or improper speech. Yet here we are, one year later, struggling with the same things we told ourselves we wouldn’t do, trying to figure out how this year will be any different.<\/p>\n
It’s not that we’re uninspired or unwilling to look at our flaws. We know we’ve done wrong and want to right the course towards a more fulfilling, truthful, Torah-centered life. It’s just that we can’t seem to find a way forward that actually sticks in the long run. Is there a path towards improving ourselves that doesn’t eventually wear off?<\/p>\n
Recasting our approach to teshuva<\/strong><\/p>\n There is a fundamental mistake that many of us make in our approach to teshuva. We focus on the decision to change, believing that if we are firm enough in our resolve to act differently, we undoubtedly will. But these resolutions rarely hold. The clarity we have at the moment of choice on Yom Kippur does not stay with us for more than a few days or weeks, despite the firmness of our commitment. The problem is not in our intention or the power of our will, but rather in believing that lasting change results from the decision for it to be so.<\/p>\n Teshuva is not about deciding to change. It is about learning to experience ourselves differently. We do this via a series of small steps that gradually open up a fresh mode of being in the world, an alternative way of feeling in our own skin. We start to realize that there is a different way to be alive, from which we can engage with people and situations from an angle we didn’t know existed within us. This is what teshuva is about – not just a mental commitment, but rather a method of waking up to a life we hadn’t yet fathomed but which we slowly grow into as a new sense of self emerges.<\/p>\n Experiencing ourselves differently<\/strong><\/p>\n This point may become clear through a brief mindfulness exercise we can do together. It may help to close your eyes (presumably after you read this). Take a moment to notice how you’re feeling right now – tense, calm, tired, happy, worried, etc. You don’t need to do anything about the feeling you find; just see that it’s there inside you. You might find it in a particular place in your body or in your head. That’s fine, just recognize it. No pushing it away, no agreeing or disagreeing with it, no judging whether it’s good or bad. While you do this, try to feel what it’s like to look at the feeling present right now from a slightly more detached vantage point.<\/p>\n Now do the same with your thoughts. Take a moment to scan your mind for the ideas streaming through your head. You might find strings of words, voices of sorts, or images. What matters is not the specifics of each thought, but rather that you’re able to step back from the contents of your mind and observe what’s happening up there. Notice that you can actually separate yourself to some degree from your own mental chatter and just watch whatever appears in the space of your mind. As you aim your attention in this way, see what it feels like to not be inside your thoughts but instead looking out at them. Consider that right now, all the things you were telling yourself a minute ago are being held at somewhat of a distance from you just by virtue of your awareness. You can hear and see them, but you are not identical to them. You are the one who has stepped back and disentangled yourself from your thoughts and feelings, even for just this moment.<\/p>\n You can open your eyes now. When I do this exercise with people, they often report the surprise of being able to experience themselves in a way they hadn’t accessed before. The shift from being inside our thoughts and feelings to standing back from them is like removing a pair of tinted glasses and suddenly realizing that we had been stuck viewing the world through a particular lens that was limiting our ability to consider other ways of being. When we step back from this constricted view, we’re able to reclaim lost sides of ourselves that we can choose to embody and act from as we engage the scene before us. We’ll still be looking at the same landscape, but through a different mental frame, and this makes all the difference. As our conceptualization of ourselves changes, so will our mood, our perspective, and our sense of what is possible.<\/p>\n Changing the pattern<\/strong><\/p>\n Take a relationship in which you would like to behave differently this coming year. The next time you interact with this person, notice the background noise in your head and body that informs how you respond to them. If you examine yourself carefully, you’ll find that even before you say anything, there is already a pattern of thinking and feeling that determines how you see yourself in this interaction. This way of being is the one you’ve been locked into for years, and it informs the way you relate to this person.<\/p>\n But imagine that you could make all those thoughts and feelings conscious (you can) and begin to detect when they come up. With practice, you could observe yourself thinking those familiar thoughts and slipping into those predictable reactions. It would gradually dawn on you that this is not the only way you can choose to experience yourself right now. Because you’ve climbed out of your old self-concept, you’ll also begin to consider new ways of thinking about the other person. Are they really trying to be controlling, or are they just scared? Are they actually trying to hurt me, or am I just interpreting it that way? Do I need to continue this fight, or is there a different way to discuss our differences? These are all thoughts of teshuva because they reveal an ability to show up in an alternative way. And when you take a different step, relationship dynamics also tend to change.<\/p>\n The moment we catch a glimpse of a new way of being is the moment we are reborn. In his description of one who does teshuva, the Rambam describes a person who can proudly say, “I am different. I am not the same person as the one who did those things.” When we sin, it is because we are caught up in a cloud of cognitions and emotions that pull us to do the wrong thing. Yet we are also the individuals behind all that, with the capacity to step out of the thoughts and feelings that snag us into becoming a narrower version of ourselves. This is the steady path toward lasting change.<\/p>\n Being reborn<\/strong><\/p>\n All change is uncomfortable. Choosing to inhabit a different way of being means that we must learn to tolerate the uneasiness of growing into new versions of who we are. We’ll suddenly find ourselves in uncharted territory, unsure of what our next step will be. For example, the first time we step back from our anxious thoughts and feelings, it will feel strange not to travel down the same well-worn path that we always have. Although we don’t like the way we’re behaving, there is something much easier about sticking with what we know.<\/p>\n But we may also notice a more profound sense of satisfaction beneath the discomfort that provides us with the fortitude<\/span> to hold onto this newfound territory. Because although change is hard, there is nothing more gratifying than becoming the people we know we are capable of being. It may feel precarious to shed our old skin and expose a newly formed layer of ourselves to the world, but we also know that this is part of the process of rebirth. And that’s what we really want.<\/p>\n This Yom Kippur, when we decide upon a kabalah l’haba<\/em>, a resolution of what we plan to do differently, we should choose something small that will give us a taste of our new self-expression. Our commitment must be tailor-made to the person within us that we are trying to bring out. Because it’s not really just a commitment, but rather the beginning of a new way of being that has been waiting to emerge.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" How did we end up back here? It wasn’t supposed to turn out this way. Exactly one year ago, we burrowed deep inside ourselves to face our deficiencies. 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