I am in awe of our soldiers. Nowhere in the world is there a fighting force comprised of more remarkably determined, principled, courageous young men and women than in the Israeli Defense Force. Despite the anti-semitic rhetoric now being spewed all around the world, all fair-minded and honest observers (there still are some) routinely extoll the Israeli military for its decency and excellence (this is why even countries who express anti-Israel sentiment are relieved when IDF personnel arrive on their shores in times of need). Last week, a US Navy Seal was asked about his Israeli counterparts, with whom he trained extensively. He said unabashedly that Israeli fighters were “among the finest, most outstanding, and most elite soldiers I have ever seen.”

Living in Israel, I marvel at the integrity and depth of character shown by these virtuous warriors, who not only harness their strength every day to keep us safe – they make it their business to strengthen the rest of us as well. In the last three weeks, more motivational videos have been sent out by Israeli soldiers on the front lines reminding us to stay strong than by us encouraging them to do the same. All of us living here share the sense that our heroes – those whose love for the Jewish People and the Land of Israel shine through their commitment to defend our people – are out there taking care of us.

What ought our reaction be to witnessing such gevurah, such strength of mind and spirit? We all understand the importance of backing our soldiers with all the material and spiritual ammunition they need to win. However, as Jews, we are also called upon to turn inward and reflect when lessons of character come our way. Despite tragedy and the uncertainty of war, we can look for ways to internalize the examples set by our beloved soldiers. We even have a chance to become soldiers ourselves.

Facing the battles within

While most of us are not trained to take up arms in combat, all of us are engaged in real battles every day. No one escapes the arena of internal conflict, and everyone is called upon to overcome the inner demons that threaten to destroy us.

Focusing on personal struggles did not seem possible two weeks ago. At least not to me. As I went to work during the initial days of this war, I found myself shocked that private lives still existed. Or, for that matter, that anything else was going on besides the haze of horror in which we were all wandering around. It was as if a fog had descended upon our country, consisting of atrocities, funerals, soldier enlistment, bombs, sirens, and a thousand other moving parts. Against this background, as I sat down in my chair and put on my therapist hat, I couldn’t fathom that anyone could have anything else to talk about.

I was wrong. As it turns out, even during war, life continues, and we must find a way to continue along with it. We don’t get a break from personal struggles just because war decided to show up. This recognition – that it is somehow possible to live in adjacent worlds simultaneously, whereby war and everyday life coexist – is one that Israelis have been learning to accept these last three weeks. We must attend tehillim rallies, but we also must go to the grocery store. We must package food for soldiers, but we also must do homework. None of these are expendable, and all of them beckon us. And so, as a nation and as individuals, we have had to figure out how to stand on parallel walkways, both of which continue to move forward.

The feat of living on two tracks side-by-side gives way to an opportunity for us to learn from one reality to the other. Our soldiers are in the trenches, but in a certain way, aren’t we all? We are each acutely aware of the intense skirmishes pounding away inside us at this very moment that no one else sees. For some, fighting through intense daily fears (especially during war) is an incredibly daunting task. For others, the relentless bombardment of negative thoughts and feelings can seem like enough to make us surrender. And we have all had times when the world seems to have us under siege and it requires everything in our arsenal not to retreat.

Developing toughness

The field of psychology has done a marvelous job in recent decades at sensitizing us to the softer side of growth. We all know by now that self-compassion and self-acceptance are indispensable parts of healing and human fulfillment. Thank goodness for that. 

But we cannot forget that there is another flank to this all-encompassing campaign called personal development. We might call this the tougher side of growth – the one that calls for perseverance, mental endurance, and old-fashioned grit. For this, we can turn towards our sons and daughters in arms, who stand as sterling models of what it looks like to galvanize ourselves in the face of adversity.

So, as we parachute ourselves into the world of the military, let’s look for ways to soldier the task of self-improvement. Here are some suggestions to get us started:

Five growth-lessons from our soldiers

1. Soldiers devise strategies. No army embarks upon a military campaign without having developed a plan of action first. The desire to win is not enough; officers have to conceive a blueprint for how to attack, when to hold, at what pace to advance, and how to handle a myriad of obstacles that could arise. When a maneuver does not work, they must be ready with a backup. Soldiers come prepared.

We are not accustomed to thinking of self-work in this way. To be serious about growth, we need to devise a comprehensive strategy for how we plan to get where we’d like to go. Grasping for inspiration or rewatching motivational videos is not a strategy for real change. By contrast, all of us can sit down in our home war room with paper or a computer and start preparing a plan of attack. Where should we start? What strategies should we employ? How do we think they will work out? What will we do if they don’t? What time frame can we expect? With reasonable expectations and a detailed map, we can start making progress in the direction of our goals.

2. Soldiers have an eye on their long-term objectives. We have all heard the expression “to lose the battle but win the war.” Soldiers cultivate resilience; they understand better than most that victory is not a straight line. Detours and losses are expected along the way to long-term success. They do not give up when something fails because they have their sights set on where they’re ultimately going. When it’s time to abort an operation, they get up, recalibrate, and keep fighting.

Self-development is frustrating and wrought with setbacks. We experience breakthroughs only to hit snags that knock us down several rungs. It is essential to think of growth as a long-term project, where misfires and botched excursions invariably happen along the way. We must not give up. Not all of our attempts at change will be met with success, but they are all necessary in our overall goal of slow and steady advancement.

3. Soldiers don’t say “I can’t.” Terminology and attitude are essential in the life of soldiers, who learn to adopt a language that displays a resolute, can-do attitude. The way we talk affects the way we think and feel. Soldiers know that their words affect the morale of others and set the bar for their own behavior.

In my work with people, I have found that word choice matters greatly. A client who says “I can’t” has closed the door on change, whereas one who says “That sounds hard” has not ruled out that something different could be possible, albeit with difficulty. Likewise, the words “I don’t know” tend to signal the end of contemplation, whereas “Let me think about it” reflects a willingness to keep the wheels turning, even into areas not previously considered. These differences are not merely semantics. Our words reflect a particular mindset and can set us on a path that promotes growth.

4. In the army, there is no room for ego. Soldiers quickly learn to drop their agenda at the door. And if they don’t, they’ll soon wish they had. Because a soldier on his own is a mutiny in the making. A military unit can only succeed when it supersedes the will of any one person, which manifests in the ability to be humble, to give credit where it is due, to admit mistakes, and to accept orders from others. In the army, where ego resides, missions fail.

Ego routinely gets in the way of personal growth. In my own life, a significant predictor of change has been the willingness to recognize when someone else knows better than I do (which, in my case, turns out to be often). We must be open to advice from those who can teach us to walk a different path. The very act of lowering our ego makes space for something new to emerge.

5. Soldiers find purpose in their mission. An essential part of soldiers’ motivation is to know what they’re fighting for. At some level, a soldier must ask himself: Why am I putting my life on the line? What is the greater purpose of my sacrifice?

I recall a client once saying to me, “If I only knew that my struggle had a purpose, I am sure I could endure it.” We need to know what we are fighting for. Am I trudging through addiction rehab for the sake of my kids? Am I confronting my anger because I want a better marriage than I saw growing up? Am I dealing with my depression because I know deep down that Hashem has something in store for me? As Nietzsche famously said, a person who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.

A soldier’s struggle

The list goes on. Each of us can look for kernels of inspiration from our local paragons of gevurah – our soldiers – and find where gevurah resides in us as well. It’s time to call up our inner reserves, that well of will that contains more power than we even realize. There is a sleeping giant inside us all, a force with enough energy to keep us marching forward despite the walls we’ll have to climb.

Chazal teach us that the land of Israel is acquired through pain and struggle (Berachot 5a). Struggle is the language of acquisition. And while our personal battles may not have anything to do with the ones we see in the news, they can surely be undertaken in the merit of our soldiers and the acquisition of our land. When we boldly face our own obstacles – with strategy, foresight, attitude, humility, and purpose – we will have chosen not to cower in the face of fear. We will have answered the clarion call of growth with both brain and brawn. We will have become soldiers.